How to speedrun Twitter in ten easy steps

1. Don't be yourself. You're a nobody, and nobodies are not interesting.  Be someone else. Better yet: be a concept. The more immediately recognizable a concept, the better. The aim is not to be a genuine expression of anything related to you; the aim is to speedrun twitter, as fast as possible.

2. Be interesting. Latch on to some existing or emerging trend, and position yourself in relation to it. Become a source of information, amusement or familiarity. Enthuse your followers. Whatever you do, don't be boring.

3. Be about something. A thing. One singular, well defined, utterly overanalyzed thing. Stick to this thing religiously. Think the thing. Be the thing. Tweet the thing.

4. Be relevant. Stay on top of things. Help your followers stay on top of things. Generate a feedback loop that makes your followers help you stay on top of things. Become an up to date resource. Be a goto source.

5. Be useful. Provide tangible benefits to you followers. Be a voice worthy of being listened to. Post relevant links. Make your followers know more by virtue of following you. Help them along.

6. Be partisan. Being impartial and neutral takes a lot of time and effort, and has a poor return on investment. Take a stance and stick to it. Loudly and often.

7. Get into a lot of fights, but never participate. Getting into fights generates a lot of attention. Participating in fights generates a lot of badwill. Tweak this to your advantage.

8. Retweet like a mofo. Creating things on your own takes time, energy and effort, and chances are you'll only create one or two things at a time. Retweeting, however, takes less effort and even less time. Plus, there's a lot of interesting and useful things out there in need of more retweets. Make it happen.

9. Don't be afraid to meme. Memes are your friend. Everyone likes memes. Memes.

10. Be afraid to be boring, uninteresting and irrelevant. Make every effort to avoid these things. There is simply no time to waste, and being either of these things wastes more time than you or your followers have.